2 Books

The other day on my lunch break I went to the bookstore. I was looking for something to read but nothing caught my eye so I left. Not before I came up with an idea though. You see some people make good money on well writing stuff that is just basic knowledge. Even better some people make money off of stuff they have nothing to do with, all they did was collect it up and put it in a book. With that said I came up with my greatest idea yet. I'm going to write an insperational book, and also a how to book!

With that said I thought it would be good to post parts of my books here on myspace. So tell me whatcha think.

My first book is filled with "Inspirational Quotes" but those of you who know me know that my book has to have a catch to it. Lets see if you can figure out what the catch is...

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-Dan Quayle

"If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-Brooke Shields

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-Joe Theisman, quarterback and sports analyst

"We are not ready for an unforseen event that may or may not occur."
-Dan Quayle

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
- Terry Venables

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-Dan Quayle

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
- George Gobel

"It is wonderful to be here today in the great state of Chicago"
- Dan Quayle

"Solutions are not the answer."
- Richard Nixon, former U.S. President

Hows that for inspiring? I mean such great words from such great people. Nearly brings a tear to my eye.

My other book I think is the more important of the 2. I think this cause it actually requires work and can help people who read it be "better people" socially. Here is a portion of that book lets see what you think. Will it help?

First Impressions:
You can only make one first impression unless of course you are meeting someone who is blind and you just happen to be really good at changing your voice. Then you will probably be able to make as many impressions as you can change your voice. Hopefully this meeting will be a one on one meeting so no one will be around to tell him the truth and spoil it for you. I hate when that happens. If you are meeting someone who is not blind it is important to remember a few things.

First of all people judge you from the first moment that they see you. So if you are going to arrive by car make sure to arrive in a real nice car. If you dont own a car make sure to steal something nice. The schematic on page A41 will help. If you do own a car make sure its not a piece of crap! If you get a ride from your mom like I do to most places make sure to arrive hellua early so no one will see how you got there.

Ice Breaker:
Many people think that the best way to break the ice between you and people you dont know is to tell a joke. Truth of the matter is most jokes you know probably suck, so you should definitely try to avoid this. I find the best way to break the ice is to tell them a sad story about your life. There are two things you need to remember.

1. It needs to be really recent! Dont tell them how your dog died when you were ten because no one cares about Skip. Nobody but you, poor Skip, may he rest in peace in doggy heaven.
2. Any story is good just make sure it sounds good. It doesnt have to be real!

I find this to be really affective way of getting people to like and be nice to you, once they are doing both of those things that means they are going to accept you. Also another thing I need to mention is that hot women love to make sad guys feel better, anyway they can. If you know what I mean and I think you do.

Just make sure that you dont blow it all at the end. For example if you tell people that your mom died make sure that its your dad who comes to pick you up, your mom being dead yet being able to pick you up might freak people out. Or even worse they might figure out you were lying and then youd have to lie to get out of that lie, and its quite hard to explain medical miracles (unless you get my other book Medical Miracles Made Easy.)

Traveled:
People sometimes find it impressive to hear stories about people and the places they been too. So its important to have foreign places to talk about. Especially if there is someone talking about places hes been too and you want to steal his thunder, or more importantly that hot chick talking to him. Now if your like me youve been to many places, but lets face facts youre not me so youve probably barley been out of the basement of your parents house. Luckily for you there are plenty of ways to fake this.

1. If you have a map take a look at it and say that youve been to the most foreign sounding place on it. Im sure theyll want to know about how it was like. So just tell them the TV programs are from the 80s, they are still wearing clothes from the 70s, that they were amazed by your cell phone (if you own one if not it doesnt hurt to pretend that you do,) and that they let herds of cattle roam the street. I find most foreign places are like this anyways. Especially in Europe, and Canada.
2. If you dont have a map available I'm sure that you've heard foreign sounding places so just say you've been to the first one thats comes to your head. This usually works.

EX: I recently took a trip to Delaware.

Remember the more places you've been the more traveled you'll be! The more traveled you are the more cultured you are and more cultured you are the more likely you are to be invited to cultural events by your new friends. Cultural events like Pig Wrestling, Barn Dances, and Bon-Fires! People like inviting cultural people to things because cultural people usually are well traveled. The circle is now complete.

Speaking:
When speaking to people always remember that people like with when you speak clearly and loud enough for them to hear. I find the best way to practice speaking is talking to your self in crowded areas. That way not only will you be able to hear yourself speak, but you'll be able to gauge how loud and clear you are based on the reactions of the random strangers you subject to this exercise.

Another thing that is important for speaking is that people like listening to intelligent people. Just look at Stephen Hawking people love listening to that man speak and its not just because of his robot voice. Its because hes intelligent. Now I realize not everyone out there is intelligent but since you can read this there is hope for you, unless you got this on one of those books on tape, then you are hopeless and should turn this off immediately.

For those of you still reading, there is one tip I can give you for speaking intelligently. Use big words. Big words make the average slob sound educated. The bigger the word the less likely anyone will know what it means. So choose a big word and or words and use it when you speak. This is actually quite easy to sneak into normal conversation. Hopefully these examples will help teach you how to speak intelligently.

EX:
Thats very coagulant of you.

Dinner was very pharmacopoeia.

I've been known to osculate when I travel with family members.

With this technique you cant go wrong and will be both the center and the source of many conversations. You will have achieved in making yourself one of the cornerstones of conversation in whatever it is youre attending.

So what do you think? Do you think my books make the cut? Or should I give up my career as an author and just focus on Bounty Hunting?